Mama are you watching this?

If you followed my letters to my late Dear Sweet Mama on Facebook, you understand the format below. Even though Mama is gone, I can still reach her through my letters that express my thoughts to a woman who mostly got me ;)

Dear Sweet Mama,

Hi – You are all around me. I feel your essence. It is almost as if I hear you breathing. If you are near, I then must believe that Daddy is also close. I am on the porch early this morning, just as dawn opens the window to the day. The birds are busy with their song. I hear a cardinal and I smile. I learned to appreciate the frolicking of wildlife from the both of you. Even a deer or two visit our yard and snack from the bird feeder. I think about how you would get a kick out of that. Maybe you do in your world.

No doubt you’ve been watching over my project to “manage” the feral cat colony in our yard and the neighboring yards. This is so new to me and I have learned so much thus far. The act of trapping kittens and adult cats is absolutely uncomfortable for me but I understand that having them spayed/neutered and returned is the best course. If not, more and more litters of kittens would show up just as this current litter did. Four of the cutest flippin’ kittens suddenly were climbing, hiding, and living in our wood pile. I successfully trapped them two at a time – amazing – and turned them over to a foster family who will socialize them and care for them until they can be “fixed” and adopted to wonderful families. I like to believe that they will go out in pairs and not separated. These details are beyond the scope of what I can control and surrendering these thoughts is proving to be a challenge. The final frontier is to capture mama. I have successfully trapped 3 other adults in the colony, but mama does not want any part of that trap. She is very wise.

The most heartbreaking detail of this undertaking, is the way sweet mama kitty paces around the wood pile and the near yard in search of her kittens. Her cries cut the evening air and shatter our hearts. She has come so close to us and it makes us wonder if she will, in essence, become part of our family. Perhaps she already is. I think of you and how you would be interested, fascinated and concerned about this work. It is not for the faint of heart. God bless all of those contacts who have guided me on this path and assisted me by providing equipment, bait, and cloths to cover the traps once the various cats are caught. The cloth does seem to calm each down immediately. For that I am most thankful.

The cat project is perhaps best considered as the least of the things on my mind sweet mama. There are much heavier subjects that weigh me down these days. What about the amount of hatred and division in our communities and the world? My heart and mind require continuous redirection back to a place of peace and calm. As I feel myself swept up in the sound bites spoon fed to us, I do as I guide my clients to do, I scan the ways in which I can have an impact, I take action, and then release/surrender the outcome and return myself to a state of peace and calm. How is this achieved you ask? (I can actually hear you asking me this question) Through a deep belief in a God who is with us no matter the circumstances. My practice of prayer and meditation each morning, and often, in the afternoon as well. Finally, remembering that letting go of the control once I’ve taken action, prayed, and meditated is all that I am able to do. The monumental aspect of the unrest I feel is fear. I fear those who operate the controls. I cannot spot a pure soul in the crowd of the powerful and elite. When I see, when I hear them speak, my body senses the evil and darkness of their vision and their actions. There is no PEACE there. It is the opposite of peace. And from where I watch, I do not see two sides or even three, I see only one collective. This is about as dark as I allow myself to go. My body feels tight, I am sick to my stomach, there is tension in my head. Then I zoom out and I pray for relief and peace for myself and all of those who experience this in their own way. Mom and Dad, if there is something I am missing, I would appreciate you sharing your wisdom with me through whatever signs and downloads possible. I will wait quietly and listen.

Besides the last paragraph, there is one more thing. There is a person from whom I am disconnected. She is intelligent and beautiful and I pray that this estrangement will one day resolve. I feel so much love in my heart and I hold a vision of our shared happy days ahead.

This would be a moment, if you could be here in your physical form, in which you would offer a warm embrace and the familiar “pat, pat, pat” on my back. Mama what must you think as you watch me move about through my days and nights? Do you see me returning to Brightview, providing Reiki energy healing to those who live in the dementia neighborhood where you were during the last year of your life? I believe you were with me as I visited a woman actively dying and realized I was with her in what used to be your room. Her bed was positioned exactly as yours had been during your final days. As the reality overcame me, I glanced over to see the window cracked open. This no doubt the suggestion of BridgingLife hospice who is overseeing her care. I remember this suggestion when they believed you would let go within a 24-hour period and we followed that advice. It made so much sense to allow your soul a pathway up and out of the building. As I left her/your room that day, I consciously stifled my cries of pain and sadness. There will be a time to allow that movement. I just paused and considered the divine circumstance that returned me to that sacred space and time and how it connected me back to your care. In addition, I was allowed the gift to provide loving care for another beautiful soul as it prepared to return to the cosmic realm of pure love! Wooph! Mama! Crazy right?

Well, I am exhausted. There is so much emotion packed into this letter. These words I have so desperately longed to share with you and today was the just right time to sit still and do so.

Thank you for hearing my words during this humid, temperate morning in early June. I love you both so much and I thank you for allowing me to feel your presence. What a gift!

I love you so,

Julie Lynn